1. I will acquire 150+ white hairs solely from the time I spend as a pseudo pediatrician on Healthline and webMD.
2. Everything will be sticky.
3. I will change diapers in at least 15 zip codes.
4. Even if they were born first, I will argue that every child with my kids name has parents who stole my idea.
5. As a family, we will purchase at least 50 matching outfits.
6. The 5 second rule will make way for the 8 second rule now that throwing things from the highchair is trending.
7. I will read 469 different bedtime stories. And if I’m being honest, I will skim 10% of them.
8. There will be so much snot.
9. I will lose at hide & seek.
10. We will capture 267,890 iPhone images a year. But we’ll only share half of them.
11. My paycheck will forever belong to Fisher-Price.
12. I will go an entire week (or longer) giving into a highly selective palette…serving Mac&Cheese on repeat until I get in trouble for it.
13. I will ruin the laundry.
14. My toddler will throw away a few more expensive investment items in our apartment.
15. My crows feet will sink in regardless of how much La Mer I bathe in. But they’ll add character and it’ll be fine.
16. I will once again go to work with a mysterious kid substance on my blazer…and notice only after 3 important meetings.
17. We will go through another 50 tubs of peanut butter a year as a family.
18. I will never get “wheels on the bus” out of my head.
19. I will blame an obligation to my pookie to get out of doing approximately 50 things I have no interest in doing.
20. We will eventually be banned from 2x restaurants.